Protection

In some families, including mine, there’s this idea that if you’re gay, there are certain members of the family who can’t handle that fact. And so you are supposed to lie or at least omit facts and not worry people. In my case, this has to do with older and more conservative relatives.

So when M and I went on holiday recently, all I told some relatives was that I was going away with a friend. I don’t like lying and I don’t like downplaying M’s importance in my life. It all feels wrong. She’s my partner and she’s the woman I hope to be with for the rest of my days. Why should I be expected to hide that? I hate when my grandmother asks me if I’m dating anyone or if there’s anyone special in my life and I have to say no even though the truth is that there is someone very special in my life.

I guess some people worry that older relatives, such as grandparents, won’t get it and might find the news shocking. So we’re supposed to protect them. But I wonder who we’re really protecting. Are we protecting ourselves, because we don’t know how to broach the subject? Are we protecting our parents, because they don’t want our grandparents to think that they (i.e. our parents) didn’t know how to raise children and therefore ended up with gay ones? Are we genuinely protecting our grandparents because they’d find the thought of gay grandchildren so disturbing that they might disown us or even have heart attacks due to the shock? Is it some combination of all of these?

I suspect we’re doing ourselves a disservice but not being honest. We’re not allowing our grandparents (or whoever) to know who we really are or to be part of our lives. We’re missing out on a potentially stronger relationship with those who we are supposedly protecting. We’re denying them a chance to get to know our partners too.

If our parents’ generation thinks we shouldn’t tell our grandparents’ generation, then I for one will agree with what they think best. I’m not convinced by it, but maybe I’m following their advice because I want to protect myself and my relatives. Protection isn’t always the best thing, however.