Tomboy

We saw the French film Tomboy not long ago. It had gotten great reviews and I was very curious about it.

I liked the acceptance of the main character implied in the film and I also liked the sister’s acceptance of the main character. I did, however, question the precocity of the children, especially the little sister. The conversations among the children didn’t always ring true.

But while I liked the main character and the way the film was done, a larger issue for me was that I didn’t understand the character. I didn’t know how s/he saw her/himself. Is this a child who simply wanted to “pass” as a boy? Is it a child who feels that s/he is in the wrong body? Is it a child who is in fact the “tomboy” of the title? Was this a stage? What was going on, really?

I felt it was a trans character, but I didn’t have enough confirmation of that, and the title seemed to speak against that idea. M saw herself in the character and though the character was a girl who just wanted to play with the boys, do “boy things”, and be accepted by the boys (i.e. not as a boy per se). It simply wasn’t clear. The ending certainly made me question my idea that it was a trans film, because it seemed to say that the character was moving on, “maturing”, and living as a girl now.

I suppose one reason why I love literature is that it allows you to get inside the head of the character/s. Film doesn’t allow this as much; it’s much more external. But if the main character had spoken more in Tomboy, maybe it would have been easier to follow what was going on.

Despite that, I actually really enjoyed the film and thought it was mostly well done.

Gender Roles

Sometimes I joke that M and I are the stereotypical butch and femme. I do the cooking and she does all the DIY and anything that requires tools (other than kitchen tools, that is, and I won’t say a word about tools that can be used in bed). I wear skirts and dresses and high-heeled shoes to work fairly often, while she’s more likely to be in cargo trousers and sensible shoes. I have long hair and she has short hair. Etc.

But really that doesn’t say much about who we are, individually or as a couple. And I get annoyed when people wonder which of us “is the man” or when someone says that if we ever got married, clearly I’d wear a dress and she’d wear a suit. It just seems silly to me. Who decided what it means to be masculine/butch or feminine/femme anyway? Why does using a hammer make someone manly while boiling some pasta makes someone womanly?

I don’t like the idea that gay couples have one butch and one femme. Yes, I know some lesbians say they like their boys to be girls, or their girls to be boys, but that’s not how I am. I don’t want to imitate heterosexual relationships and I don’t want to feel like my behaviour has to challenge the hetero norm either (but if it does happen to challenge hets, that’s good). I am just attracted to a particular woman and I’m happy to play a variety of roles in our relationship. (Although I must admit that my beloved is in some ways a soft butch and ever since I met her, I’ve had found myself admiring other soft butch women. But that doesn’t mean I feel like I need to be with one or that I have to mould myself accordingly!)

But then we get to the issue of cooking. I’m told that cooking is very femme and thus I must “be the woman” if I do most of the cooking. I can point out, incidentally, that many well-known chefs are male, so I guess in our society, we feel like men can be professionals, but it’s women who have to do the cooking at home.

So am I the woman, because I cook most of our meals? Am I the femme who needs a big butch woman to protect her? Do I feel pressured to cook because of the gender roles in our society?

No, I don’t think so. I’m just someone who likes to cook and to feed her sweetheart. Luckily, my sweetheart doesn’t enjoy cooking, so we’re able to divide our labour at home fairly evenly. She has other skills and other hobbies. So I’ll happily stand at the stove and stir. That I do that doesn’t say anything much about my gender identity or about my role in our relationship.

A Woman's Place

Why are home cooks mostly women and professional chefs mostly men? Why is cooking for one’s loved ones still considered to be such a feminine activity, while cooking for money is masculine? Why is one deserving of respect whereas the other one is simply expected?

I certainly have no pretensions of being an amazing cook and I have no desire to cook professionally, but I do consider my cooking and baking to be more than a hobby or something I’m supposed to do, because I’m female. It’s a creative outlet, combined with a way of showing people that I care for them. Feeding someone is the most basic thing you can do for another person, and it means you are keeping that person alive, nurturing and nourishing at the same time. But we don’t respect this, unless it’s done under the auspices of an event, by which I mean a gourmet meal in a restaurant. And in that case, it’s almost always prepared by a man, who is considered an artiste.

The one thing I ever remember my father making for me was a sandwich. On Saturdays, when my mother was at work, he sometimes made me a warm sandwich – meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo all stuffed between two slices of bread and warmed in the microwave until the lettuce was wilted and the cheese melted. All these years later, that dish still sticks with me. And meanwhile, my mother cooked for me every day. She made me breakfast, packed my lunches for school, and cooked a nutritious, if meat-heavy, meal every evening. I could name some of her dishes, but they don’t really say as much about her as that sandwich does about my father. Because my mother was the woman, and she was supposed to feed her family. All my father had to do was bring home the bacon in a metaphorical sense, not cook it (I am not sure he’d even know how). So the fact that once in awhile he entered my mother’s zone and made me a sandwich is memorable. And this seems awfully unfair to me, but it’s still the way things are to a great extent.

So here I am, doing what’s expected of me, making meals for my loved ones. Am I just being a typical female? Have I been tricked into thinking I like to spend time in the kitchen? Well, no, I’d like to think not. Obviously, I have to cook, in order to survive, but I choose to cook tasty, healthy meals that might require a bit more time and effort. And, perhaps more importantly, I choose to make meals for other people. I do this to show them that they matter to me. And to take care of them. And sometimes I do it to show off my creativity too. It’s not only men who know how to combine ingredients in new and unexpected ways; women can and do have fun with food too. And we deserve respect for that.

Maybe I should start charging people who come for dinner at my place!